11/12/2018

๐ŸŽฎ๐Ÿ‘ด Arthur Parallax Reviews….The Playstation Classic ๐Ÿ‘ด๐ŸŽฎ

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The Playstation changed EVERYTHING, they said. Did it, though?...Did it?
We all remember where we were when we first saw the Playstation.

I myself was sitting in a pub in Nutbourne called ‘The Tug and Shovel’ drinking a pint of the local ale, ‘Worryingly Salty’. The bar man / chef / landlord / cleaner / unqualified councillor, (I believe his name was Wayne Blathelingstone) flicked on the TV in the corner and on came an advert for the Sony Playstation. My suspicions were instantly raised; for my favourite colour (like everyone else) is brown, and the drab grey monstrosity before me didn’t exactly light my fire.
It was a few months before I got my hands on the console, when one of my previously unreleased games was earmarked for an update and inclusion on a budget collection and so I was sent a dev kit in the post (the game, sadly excluded from the final product was called, ‘Ron’s Spiral’, a game in which you played a character by the name of Ronald Gary Shafft, owner of a small independent antique store in Churlington named ‘Good Olde Wood’ that was slowly going out of business. 

The game play consisted of dealing with the mounting debt as well as his failing marriage and wayward children on top of a lengthy health crisis brought on primarily by a combination stress and biscuits) which allowed me to finally see what I had been missing from Sony’s new beast. All in all, it wasn’t bad, especially after I painted it brown with some watercolours I had lying around. I found that the CDs were somewhat delicate after testing them with my keys and it was a bit on the flimsy side, I mean, I snapped off the lid with just a single yank! 

These gripes aside, the games seemed ok, admittedly there were jagged, juddering polygonal graphics, lengthy loading times, pop-in, and a wealth of shovelware but nothing deal-breaking. I had some good times with the Playstation, especially with classics such as Road Rash 3D, Small Soldiers, The Crow: City of Angels and of course, Side Pocket 3. You’ll notice that none of these REAL classics of the era are included on the Playstation ‘Classic’. This is the shash we have to play and my thoughts on them:


Battle Arena Toshinden – A poor man’s Barbarian.
Final Fantasy 7 – A tedious, lengthy cut scene interspersed with random battles.
Intelligent Qube – it’s alright.
Jumping Flash – Nothing like the Whoopi Goldberg film it’s based on.
Mr. Driller – Nothing like the Abel Ferrara film it’s based on.
R4: Ridge Racer Type 4 – not fit to wipe the shoes of Action Biker Starring Clumsy Colin (sponsored by Skips).
Resident Evil: Director’s Cut – A Poor man’s Gunfighter.
Revelations: Persona – Revelations: This Isn’t Very Good, more like!
Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo – Tetris for kids
Tekken 3 – Again, may as well have just included Barbarian and been done with it.
Wild Arms – not so much ‘wild’ as ‘tame’
And various other regional exclusives which I can’t be bothered to go into here.
There have been lots of comments about the games not running at the correct speed and odd audio and visual artefacts but this is all just bunting, the REAL issue here is the absolute lack of Side Pocket 3. I sank THOUSANDS of hours into that game and I’ll be darned if I’m going to spend ninety quid on a grey block that doesn’t contain a badly emulated ROM of it!
I mean it’s not even brown, for God’s sake.

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